Funny Things Kids Say or Please Don't Call CPS on Me

So I get an email from Adeline's teacher yesterday.

She asked the kids what they did for Mother's Day, and Adeline told the class that on Mother's Day they went swimming, and Mommy drank beer and yelled at us.

Yup, that's what she said.

Now, the reason they got yelled at was because the bottle of the single beer that I did have, got knocked over and broke. I yelled at them to stay away from it while I went to clean up the broken glass.

Now the class and the teachers think I'm an alcoholic with an anger problem.

Super.

No More Cribs

I took down the crib on Saturday morning, for the last time. Actually, Avery helped it along, she broke the bottom out of it. The crib was just a $99 Walmart special, we didn't really put it together correctly. In our defense, there were only one set of height holes that actually lined up close enough to hold the bottom mostly flat, so that's what we used. Of course, we could have returned the crib as defective, but that would have meant sending it back to the manufacturer, and we needed it at the time we bought it (we're slackers OK? the kid was 4 months old, way too fat for the bassinet and continuing to let her sleep in the swing seemed like bad parenting at the time). The side had stopped staying up a few months ago, and it was getting pretty wobbly. Avery must have shaken it just enough to bust the bottom out. So I was awoken to a hysterical child in the remains of the crib. She wasn't hurt, just scared and mad. We pulled the trundle out from under the bunk bed, stuck the railing in the side, and she's now in a twin bed. Woke up once last night, around 4 AM. The bugger can open doors, so she walked down the hall to find me. Changed her up, put her back in bed for another few hours.

So no more cribs in my house, and each of my kids have been in beds before they were 2 years old. We don't do toddler beds, but had we a better quality crib that was actually a convertible to a toddler bed, I would have used it. Going out and buying a toddler bed seems like a waste of $50, akin to buying changing table, another piece of furniture I deem totally useless. Throw a changing pad on top of a bureau or something, don't waste space on a changing table. Of course, I always used my bed, and many a times slept in pee as a result. But, with a newborn, you reach a point of exhaustion where things like pee puddles are just acceptable casualties of the job.

Weekend Update

First off, we survived Adeline’s sleepover. All the kids, except for my own, were asleep at 11:00. Anaya, my 4 year old, was the last to fall asleep, and I had her Dad move her to her room when he got home from work. The girls did wake up at 5:30 in the morning though, which was not a thrill. I got up a 6:30, made them breakfast, which they didn’t eat, and let them go swimming. I just don’t understand how they could swim, because it was only about 70 degrees outside, and about that temperature in the pool.

Then on Saturday, my kids were crabby. Finally, after an exciting Red Sox game, I took them down to the neighborhood park. It turned out that half the neighborhood had the same idea, because there were probably five families there with their kids as well. The kids were all running around, screaming like banshees, as kids are wont to do in situations such as this. My youngest sat down with a boy about her age, and proceeded to put sand on his head. I picked her up, and moved her away from him. She picked up a bucket of sand, and whipped it at the kid’s head, missing him by barely an inch, and causing his father to remark on her pitching arm. I should probably mention that the mothers in the neighborhood don’t really know me, because I have the audacity to work, and not only that, I work at a job that’s not in healthcare or teaching. Therefore I miss out on all the little Mom’s Group meetings and all that. At some point, Anaya came over and got the sand toys out and started building a sand castle. Avery went to sit with her. Avery probably tried to help, but isn’t much of a help, in any situation. Anaya got mad, and yelled, across the playground “Mom, I will lose my shit if Avery knocks over my sandcastle again.” The Dad I was talking to started to laugh, the Moms in their little clique looked horrified. I just shut my eyes for a second, took a deep breath, tried not to laugh, and just moved on. Because that was totally my fault. That’s an expression that I use all the time, so they didn’t pick it up from anyone except for me. I am in so much trouble when Anaya starts school.

Sunday was boring. Didn’t leave the house except to play in the pool and the backyard. Watched the Sox complete the sweep of the Yankees. Fell more in love with Jacoby Ellsbury. Put the kids to bed, went to bed early myself, and that was the end of the weekend.

I’m I Glutton for Punishment

I’ve agreed to allow my 6 year old to have a slumber party for her birthday. Argh! By this Friday, I’ll need to get the house clean, or at least cleaner than it is now. Order a cake, buy some junk food, and put together goodie bags. Since she turned 6, I told her she could have 6 girls from her class sleep over. I’ll put them in the guest den downstairs and I’ll crash in the guest bedroom. This way my younger daughters can actually sleep, and the noise from the slumber party will be contained in the front part of the house. I am not looking forward to this. I’m sort of stressed about it to tell you the truth. But, once this first one is over with, I’m sure it will just get easier. Plus the pool is open, so they can go swimming which will tire them out and burn off a bunch of time. If I can get four hours of sleep on Friday night, I’ll consider it a success.

I Hate Ketchup

I hate ketchup. I hate the way it smells. I hate the way it looks. I really hate when it starts to get dried out and sticks to the top of the jar, or to a plate. In my opinion, there are only two acceptable uses for ketchup. First, you can use ketchup on scrambled eggs. Just a little, just as a dipping sauce. The second use is in conjunction with mustard on a hamburger or cheeseburger. Unfortunately, I have children. Said children believe ketchup should be used on everything. Hot dogs. Chicken. French fries. When they eat ketchup it gets everywhere. The whole table is covered with a thin film of the stuff. I then need to come through with a scouring pad and scrub it up. Not only that, but the flies love the stuff. We have a lot of flies in Arizona, and a lot in our house, since the kids don’t know how to shut the door behind them when they go outside.

My Prom Dress

Yes, OK, Prom happened 13 years ago. I went with my darling husband, who was my boyfriend at the time (did I think it would last this long? truthfully no, not at that point in my life). But, if I was going this year, I would totally want to wear this dress:

Yes, its a vagina dress. Nothing says good, wholesome prom fun like a suggestive vagina dress! And, at only $99.99, you can buy it here: http://www.lightinthebox.com/Spring-2009-Column-Sweetheart-Asymmetrical-Satin-Prom---Evening-Dress--HSX329-_p24996.html

I think the designer didn't have this in mind, but its totally how I'd wear it.

A Blistery, Blustery Day

My middle child has sensory issues. Currently, she’ll only wear stretchy pants or shorts, because jeans “hurt” her knees and ankles. I think it has something to do with how the seams rub against her legs. She’s very particular about what sheets are on her bed, because some of them are “scratchy.” There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason as to which sheets are scratchy, they just are. She doesn’t like when the weather isn’t calm and sunny. Luckily for her, we live in the Phoenix Valley, so she does get 300+ days of sunshine a year. Yesterday was one of the days that the weather wasn’t to Anaya’s exact specifications. It was sunny, true, but it was very windy. Her sisters were playing outside, and Anaya wouldn’t go with them. At first she was paranoid that she would be blown away. Then, she told me that the wind was hurting her. I asked if the wind was blowing dirt into her eyes, and she told me that no, the wind was hitting her. We had to go to the grocery store to buy just the essentials- eggs, milk, and bread. Anaya was terrified that the van would be blown over. When we were at the store, a particularly robust gust of wind made something on the roof clang down pretty hard. Anaya lost it. She cried that the building was falling down, and that she would be killed. I had to move Avery from the front of the cart, and put her in with the groceries, so that Anaya could ride in the cart seat with her face against my chest, and her hands clenched over her ears. It was exhausting.